THE GRAND BUDDIES

There is this one question I have pondered on even before I thought I want a child and that is "why are firangi kids so well behaved!??"

Yesterday when A lost his sanity and was rolling on the floor for his demands which I denied to fulfill, he started calling out his grandparents. One of them came, scolded me for letting him cry and presented him with his demands. 

I got my answer - Firangi kids are well behaved because they have just two guardians (their parents), who usually are on the same page of parenting. The child gets no holes in the loop to get his way done, eventually he follows what his parents do. Unlike this, WE HAVE THE GRANDPARENTS, who follow a completely different book on parenting. Oh no, if you think grand parents are only bad news, then no. The reason we Indians are good when it comes to juggad (getting our way out in any situation) , it's because we learn the art at home. We figure out that as we are bullied by the parents, there is someone in the house who can bully them and we become smart enough to use this fact for our good. Perfect juggad education! 😂😂

But seriously, why don't we as parents like the grandparents interfering in our job. We have loved them as parents, they conditioned our basic self but as life happened, we got new lessons that were not scrutinized by them. Our views over living, health, outdoors, entertainment, academics, career planning, relationships changed at every turn of the decade. And to face the ever-changing world, we want our children to take from our learnings and move ahead of us and not take from our parents and land up where we landed. 

Having said that, there is no doubt that the grandparents love our kids more than we do. They know that because of the survival duties they missed some precious childhood moments of their children and now that they are free of all the duties they want to compensate by witnessing the childhood of their grandchildren. 

Now this can be a real boon and take our children farther than those firangi kids, IF..... If the parents and grandparents stick to their respective roles and don't try to switch. If sorted those in pointers, 

• ‌the parents should make the rules and define the limits whereas the grand buddies should look to it that the kids abide by them even when parents are not around. No one is back stabbed and the kid never learns about the plan B option. 
• ‌sometimes any one of the guardians may get annoyed by the kid's bad behavior and scold him. That time, none of the other elders should jump in to sympathize with the kid. Let them know that the person scolding, has a voice in the house. 
• ‌if there are any issues between the guardians, they should sort them when child is not around. You know how absorbing they are and you don't want them to build their opinions about anyone based on your perceptions. 
• ‌sometimes the grandparents try to remain nice to the child by presenting them with things that parents have forbidden or tell the child that they can't give them what they want because the parents have told so. What is the child actually perceiving? That the parents are the villains of their lives!! Don't tag someone's name along the rules. They have to live with each other even after you take off for after life journey. Don't make it harder for both the parties. 

If the parents have aspired to be parents, they are not just willing but eager to do all that it takes to be that. Let them do it their way, even if they make mistakes, they will learn and improve. And if they just accidentally became parents or are in no intentions of caring for their children (rare but a possibility) then pull up the sleeves and get into the job.

But mostly, be what the parents and the kids want you to be - a set of grown up kids. 😄

INDEFINITE SABBATICAL

Children are self-centered. They don't remember the hardships you have to go through each day, what they do remember is how well you played with them, how they loved when you cooked meals for them and how warm and safe they feel sleeping tucked in your arms.

The most eye sparkling memory of my childhood is the day I ate my first hot phulka for lunch in my entire life. I was in tenth grade when my mom quit her job and that day she cooked lunch while we were returning from school. Till that day, if I told you how we (me and my sister) ate lunch, you would definitely judge our family values. 

After school we used to go home hungry. Mom cooked lunch before leaving for work and kept in on the kitchen counter, sabzi in the kadhai and chapati in the casserole. As soon as we reached home, we used to take off the shoes, let them be where we removed them, washed hands (not always 🙊) and carried the kadhai and casserole to the living room, switched on the TV and ate it just as is, without plates and bowls. Then slid the vessels under the couch and slept over it in our uniforms till mom came home. 

Mom was always disheartened watching us this way. But she couldn't help it. She was working. She was not working to compete with our dad or to prove her intelligence. She was working to help dad bear the financial burden. She told me how her heart ached when she had to leave us with our grandmother from the young age of 3 months, how she felt incapable and helpless when she got home to see us learn things that she would have never introduced us to. She felt sorry for us when she couldn't sign us up for swimming and dancing lessons because she didn't have enough time to drop or pick us up. That's her story. There are many more. 

When Narayan and Sudha Murthy came up with Infosys, they mutually decided that one of them had to step back and take care of the children. Sudha Murthy left Infosys for their children. There are many working mothers I know who exceeded their time of furlough for raising their kids. When in an interview Sadhguru was asked about how he felt about women with young children, stepping out and working, he said "the very presence of the mother in the crucial years of life, changes their whole being", "she must work if it's an absolute necessity but should never let survival come in the way of the real aesthetics of life". I don't really need to quote mystics and powerful women to prove what a mother's presence means in the early years of a child's life. It's not just the breastmilk that nourishes the baby, it's the warmth of mother's body, her caress, her smile which the pump and the bottle cannot give. The strength she gives after every fall, the satisfaction she gets after every morsel we eat, which will be just a chore or a job for someone else. And what children mean to their mothers is unquestionable. Then why some women instead of being devoid of any obligations choose desk jobs over their children!? 

I don't blame those mothers. It is their surroundings to be blamed, where staying at home after baby is marked as an end of their life, their identity. So they, in obligation to prove their worth, jump into the rat race crushing their heart's desire of being with their offspring. And then try to prove themselves that they made the right decision by trying to squeeze in "quality time" with the kids. It's not possible to give your 100% to the children when 50% of your juices are drained into the office and trying to hit homeruns on both fronts might leave you drained and dull which will affect the child again.These mothers, deep down, they know that no pay cheque compares to being around the child. And the guilt trip that the stay at home mothers take is just the other side of the same coin. 

Why did we do this to the mothers, to the women? Women are biologically and mentally equipped to raise the children, then why do we wire them to think it's the most worthless thing to do? Why? Strong mothers raise strong humans, intelligent mothers raise intelligent humans. Intelligent mothers delegating this job to people around, don't. A professional turned into homemaker is not a waste of talent, it is a boon to the children and the community as a whole because they can inculcate values that their highly paid nannies cannot. 

If you see Motherhood as the most superior way of serving the community then not having a paid job for a few years to raise your children, no more remains a responsibility or punishment, it becomes a privilege. And the more the mothers understand this, the closer we can get to achieving a better next generation.

THE WITCHCRAFT

Witchcraft : the use of magic, especially black magic to get things done your way. 

I feel the term is too apt when you find twisted cunning ways to get your strong willed child to do what you want him to do. One of my favorite dialog of some movie goes like 'let them be the head, you be the neck that can turn the head any which way it wants' .

But who out of us, we or our toddlers, are obnoxious is difficult to decide. If sadistic pleasure was a product, these little monsters would definitely be it's brand ambassadors. If asked 'What is your favorite hobby?' I bet each one of them will say, "to see mommy scream, turn red, go down on all fours and beg to me". So when we turn to sorcery, it's actually to break their devastating spells on our sanity. Boom... Act justified!!

Now we can move on to sorcery, guilt free. So, to start with, you first need a few outbursts to understand what triggers their tiny bodies and racing minds to revolt.
Then

‌ Try to avoid the trigger point completely.
Example, A loves going out in car or just plain sitting in the car in the parking lot. So we take the back door to go for walks. No car seen, no scene created.

‌ If you can't avoid the trigger point, give in but don't make it a big deal.
Example, A wants to eat peanuts or dry fruits while having meals and has suddenly developed aversion for vegetables. So I put everything on the plate including the nuts, act as if I don't care what he eats and carry on with my meal. He doesn't understand why there is no reaction and then coyly goes on to eating roti with Dal or sabzi and at least trying everything that is served.

 Instead of him reaching the trigger, you reach out first.
Example,  A does not want to stall his play for bath or nap or bedtime. So when I need to take him for those activities, I purposefully tell him not to come, not to follow me and I go ahead. He gets puzzled, "how on earth she is telling me not to bathe or nap! " aaaand he follows my suit within minutes.

Give the trigger in the sibling's hand (in our case, paw).
Example, A loves milk but just for fun, he will give me tough time with it. So, now I tell Limo that 'I know how much you love milk and today I'll serve you in your favorite mug. Boom..!! Before limo even understands that I used him as a bait (my poor baby), the glass is empty or at least half empty.

‌ Not always you can avoid the explosion 
So when the damage is done, don't attempt to fix it or try to temper with its mechanism. You will end up multiplying the effect. Simply shut down your senses, drop your self-image consciousness (if you're in public) and turn cold turkey. Engage yourself in something, put on some music or make yourself some adrak Chai. He is likely to drop his weapons and join you. When he does that and looks lightened up, squeeze him into your arms, kiss him and make up.

Note : my husband sometimes proofreads my posts and he had a little comment on this and I thought of adding it 😜. He says, "you call this your witchcraft then why don't you share the witch that you become when things don't go your way!?"
Don't worry, I won't. 😋 it's not possible to do that in fewer words but I confess that I become furious when A wants something I don't approve and if given a witch's fire pot, I would burn each and every person who is giving him that stuff or smiles with joy to see him with that stuff. That's my instant reaction until I come up with some plan to play around with his choices.
"Dear husband, live with it." that's all I can say. 😝🤣