Thursday, December 27, 2018

THE GRAND BUDDIES

There is this one question I have pondered on even before I thought I want a child and that is "why are firangi kids so well behaved!??"

Yesterday when A lost his sanity and was rolling on the floor for his demands which I denied to fulfill, he started calling out his grandparents. One of them came, scolded me for letting him cry and presented him with his demands. 

I got my answer - Firangi kids are well behaved because they have just two guardians (their parents), who usually are on the same page of parenting. The child gets no holes in the loop to get his way done, eventually he follows what his parents do. Unlike this, WE HAVE THE GRANDPARENTS, who follow a completely different book on parenting. Oh no, if you think grand parents are only bad news, then no. The reason we Indians are good when it comes to juggad (getting our way out in any situation) , it's because we learn the art at home. We figure out that as we are bullied by the parents, there is someone in the house who can bully them and we become smart enough to use this fact for our good. Perfect juggad education! 😂😂

But seriously, why don't we as parents like the grandparents interfering in our job. We have loved them as parents, they conditioned our basic self but as life happened, we got new lessons that were not scrutinized by them. Our views over living, health, outdoors, entertainment, academics, career planning, relationships changed at every turn of the decade. And to face the ever-changing world, we want our children to take from our learnings and move ahead of us and not take from our parents and land up where we landed. 

Having said that, there is no doubt that the grandparents love our kids more than we do. They know that because of the survival duties they missed some precious childhood moments of their children and now that they are free of all the duties they want to compensate by witnessing the childhood of their grandchildren. 

Now this can be a real boon and take our children farther than those firangi kids, IF..... If the parents and grandparents stick to their respective roles and don't try to switch. If sorted those in pointers, 

  • ‌the parents should make the rules and define the limits whereas the grand buddies should look to it that the kids abide by them even when parents are not around. No one is back stabbed and the kid never learns about the plan B option. 
  • ‌sometimes any one of the guardians may get annoyed by the kid's bad behavior and scold him. That time, none of the other elders should jump in to sympathize with the kid. Let them know that the person scolding, has a voice in the house. 
  • ‌if there are any issues between the guardians, they should sort them when child is not around. You know how absorbing they are and you don't want them to build their opinions about anyone based on your perceptions. 
  • ‌sometimes the grandparents try to remain nice to the child by presenting them with things that parents have forbidden or tell the child that they can't give them what they want because the parents have told so. What is the child actually perceiving? That the parents are the villains of their lives!! Don't tag someone's name along the rules. They have to live with each other even after you take off for after life journey. Don't make it harder for both the parties. 
If the parents have aspired to be parents, they are not just willing but eager to do all that it takes to be that. Let them do it their way, even if they make mistakes, they will learn and improve. And if they just accidentally became parents or are in no intentions of caring for their children (rare but a possibility) then pull up the sleeves and get into the job.

But mostly, be what the parents and the kids want you to be - a set of grown up kids. 😄

Sunday, December 16, 2018

INDEFINITE SABBATICAL

Children are self-centered. They don't remember the hardships you have to go through each day, what they do remember is how well you played with them, how they loved when you cooked meals for them and how warm and safe they feel sleeping tucked in your arms.

The most eye sparkling memory of my childhood is the day I ate my first hot phulka for lunch in my entire life. I was in tenth grade when my mom quit her job and that day she cooked lunch while we were returning from school. Till that day, if I told you how we (me and my sister) ate lunch, you would definitely judge our family values. 

After school we used to go home hungry. Mom cooked lunch before leaving for work and kept in on the kitchen counter, sabzi in the kadhai and chapati in the casserole. As soon as we reached home, we used to take off the shoes, let them be where we removed them, washed hands (not always 🙊) and carried the kadhai and casserole to the living room, switched on the TV and ate it just as is, without plates and bowls. Then slid the vessels under the couch and slept over it in our uniforms till mom came home. 

Mom was always disheartened watching us this way. But she couldn't help it. She was working. She was not working to compete with our dad or to prove her intelligence. She was working to help dad bear the financial burden. She told me how her heart ached when she had to leave us with our grandmother from the young age of 3 months, how she felt incapable and helpless when she got home to see us learn things that she would have never introduced us to. She felt sorry for us when she couldn't sign us up for swimming and dancing lessons because she didn't have enough time to drop or pick us up. That's her story. There are many more. 

When Narayan and Sudha Murthy came up with Infosys, they mutually decided that one of them had to step back and take care of the children. Sudha Murthy left Infosys for their children. There are many working mothers I know who exceeded their time of furlough for raising their kids. When in an interview Sadhguru was asked about how he felt about women with young children, stepping out and working, he said "the very presence of the mother in the crucial years of life, changes their whole being", "she must work if it's an absolute necessity but should never let survival come in the way of the real aesthetics of life". I don't really need to quote mystics and powerful women to prove what a mother's presence means in the early years of a child's life. It's not just the breastmilk that nourishes the baby, it's the warmth of mother's body, her caress, her smile which the pump and the bottle cannot give. The strength she gives after every fall, the satisfaction she gets after every morsel we eat, which will be just a chore or a job for someone else. And what children mean to their mothers is unquestionable. Then why some women instead of being devoid of any obligations choose desk jobs over their children!? 

I don't blame those mothers. It is their surroundings to be blamed, where staying at home after baby is marked as an end of their life, their identity. So they, in obligation to prove their worth, jump into the rat race crushing their heart's desire of being with their offspring. And then try to prove themselves that they made the right decision by trying to squeeze in "quality time" with the kids. It's not possible to give your 100% to the children when 50% of your juices are drained into the office and trying to hit homeruns on both fronts might leave you drained and dull which will affect the child again.These mothers, deep down, they know that no pay cheque compares to being around the child. And the guilt trip that the stay at home mothers take is just the other side of the same coin. 

Why did we do this to the mothers, to the women? Women are biologically and mentally equipped to raise the children, then why do we wire them to think it's the most worthless thing to do? Why? Strong mothers raise strong humans, intelligent mothers raise intelligent humans. Intelligent mothers delegating this job to people around, don't. A professional turned into homemaker is not a waste of talent, it is a boon to the children and the community as a whole because they can inculcate values that their highly paid nannies cannot. 

If you see Motherhood as the most superior way of serving the community then not having a paid job for a few years to raise your children, no more remains a responsibility or punishment, it becomes a privilege. And the more the mothers understand this, the closer we can get to achieving a better next generation.

Friday, December 7, 2018

THE WITCHCRAFT

Witchcraft : the use of magic, especially black magic to get things done your way. 
I feel the term is too apt when you find twisted cunning ways to get your strong willed child to do what you want him to do. One of my favorite dialog of some movie goes like 'let them be the head, you be the neck that can turn the head any which way it wants' .

But who out of us, we or our toddlers, are obnoxious is difficult to decide. If sadistic pleasure was a product, these little monsters would definitely be it's brand ambassadors. If asked 'What is your favorite hobby?' I bet each one of them will say, "to see mommy scream, turn red, go down on all fours and beg to me". So when we turn to sorcery, it's actually to break their devastating spells on our sanity. Boom... Act justified!!

Now we can move on to sorcery, guilt free. So, to start with, you first need a few outbursts to understand what triggers their tiny bodies and racing minds to revolt.
Then

‌ Try to avoid the trigger point completely.
Example, A loves going out in car or just plain sitting in the car in the parking lot. So we take the back door to go for walks. No car seen, no scene created.

‌ If you can't avoid the trigger point, give in but don't make it a big deal.
Example, A wants to eat peanuts or dry fruits while having meals and has suddenly developed aversion for vegetables. So I put everything on the plate including the nuts, act as if I don't care what he eats and carry on with my meal. He doesn't understand why there is no reaction and then coyly goes on to eating roti with Dal or sabzi and at least trying everything that is served.

 Instead of him reaching the trigger, you reach out first.
Example,  A does not want to stall his play for bath or nap or bedtime. So when I need to take him for those activities, I purposefully tell him not to come, not to follow me and I go ahead. He gets puzzled, "how on earth she is telling me not to bathe or nap! " aaaand he follows my suit within minutes.

Give the trigger in the sibling's hand (in our case, paw).
Example, A loves milk but just for fun, he will give me tough time with it. So, now I tell Limo that 'I know how much you love milk and today I'll serve you in your favorite mug. Boom..!! Before limo even understands that I used him as a bait (my poor baby), the glass is empty or at least half empty.

‌ Not always you can avoid the explosion 
So when the damage is done, don't attempt to fix it or try to temper with its mechanism. You will end up multiplying the effect. Simply shut down your senses, drop your self-image consciousness (if you're in public) and turn cold turkey. Engage yourself in something, put on some music or make yourself some adrak Chai. He is likely to drop his weapons and join you. When he does that and looks lightened up, squeeze him into your arms, kiss him and make up.

Note : my husband sometimes proofreads my posts and he had a little comment on this and I thought of adding it 😜. He says, "you call this your witchcraft then why don't you share the witch that you become when things don't go your way!?"
Don't worry, I won't. 😋 it's not possible to do that in fewer words but I confess that I become furious when A wants something I don't approve and if given a witch's fire pot, I would burn each and every person who is giving him that stuff or smiles with joy to see him with that stuff. That's my instant reaction until I come up with some plan to play around with his choices.
"Dear husband, live with it." that's all I can say. 😝🤣

Thursday, November 29, 2018

INDEPENDENCE

No fight fought for independence in the history can be as big as the fight toddlers give. This is not diplomatic or territorial, this is hormonal. This is not the fight on which the future of a country depends, it's the fight on which the whole human existence depends. OK, I am not exaggerating. If you see the repercussions of defeat in this battle, which is quite figuratively seen around us more often these days, you'll know what I mean. 

You see, the whole humanity thrives on the words, 'why' and 'how'. And of course 'why not'. And it all begins at this age. I know I have stressed on how troublesome toddlerhood is in my past blog posts but never mentioned how developmentally (and for humanity) it is important.

Saying that may make you a little milder towards your child but not completely scream free. And the reason is their ability to reason. The part of their brain that can reason, does not develop completely until they are five. So trying to explain them your point is, pointless. And around the age of two, the 'how', 'why' and 'why not' words are also not in picture. I mean, they exist but not as words but as actions and that makes you take a longer while to understand them. 

Example, A brought his shoes out and asked me to assist him wear those. Without a thought I took the right one and started putting it on his right foot, at which point he withdrew and put forward his left foot. I sensed it as a mischief and calmly picked up the left one and went ahead to wear it over his left foot. This time he retaliated again. He wanted to wear left shoe on right and vice a versa. Of course, as an extra smart mother, I tried to explain him. 🙄😌😂 Undoubtedly, a failed attempt! Then, I did as he asked me to. Thoroughly satisfied, he stood up and started walking away. Within seconds, he turned back and gave me a look. He got the answer for his unspoken 'why not'. And then on, he takes my approval on his shoe business.

They want to see, hear and feel everything by themselves and not just cramp their minds with your experiences. We would never stall some scientist in his laboratory while he is experimenting, would we? Then, just because these born scientists are experimenting something too obvious and something you have ingrained in your system, doesn't mean it's stupid or insignificant. The modern man is as astonished as the first cave man was when he discovered fire. 

They have to feel the fire to know it can be dangerous, they need to feel the wind to learn how to respond to it the next time it blows in their faces. This sounds dangerous. But you need a brave heart to raise brave humans. There will be skinned knees, broken nails, small burns, wounds and pain. But that's how they learn, that's how they evolve.

And that's how you save the humanity. 

Bingo..!! 

Yes, I mentioned something really scary here. But of course I do save him from doing stuff that can mean serious harm to him or people around him. You know, there are ways to play around their wild streak for independence. But that deserves another post. So wait for it. 

Saturday, November 24, 2018

CONSPIRACY OVER THE FOOD BATTLE


Eating is a forever battle between the kids and theit  parents. Even if your child eats well, you worry whether it's enough or is it too much. Of course what you feed your babies is your decision, I am not here to advise you on that. This post is not about that. 

Though A has been a pretty good eater but the lows and highs he has, make me skeptical about the whole nutrition thing. I have read and heard a hundred opinions, read many blogs and books and tried every trick to get in some extra nutrition in his body. 'It's not that difficult' , some may say. 'You can hide the sabzi in the roti and mix things up in his milk or just put on the TV so that he gets too busy to notice what is going into his tummy'. Firstly, I do not approve of this technique. If they do not know what's going in, probably when they start eating by themselves, they will grow up not liking it and avoid it completely. And secondly, A is too smart to know if there's something hidden within his chapati. Of course, I have tried hiding and force feeding, I wanted to try everything to get in some more veggies in his body. And through my journey, I learnt some really amusing and valuable lessons. 
Here they go - 

WHEN TO BEGIN? - For many its "solids at six" but for us it was "ate at eight", our doctor was of the opinion that if the weight gain is proper we should let him thrive on ebf a little more. Though I was worried that he won't accept food if we start late but actually he was so much interested in food by then that our transition was a lot smoother. Even weaning off breastfeeding was easier. So the lesson learnt here, when you start with solids won't make your child a good or a picky eater.
 
‌ SPICES AND SEASONINGS - Whatever the world says, I couldn't feed my baby anything that I wouldn't eat myself. So we seasoned his food from the very beginning. Not generously but enough to be borne by human taste buds. Also I flavored the food with different species, like cinnamon with apple, cardamom with halwa, vanilla with banana and worked our way to the complex mixes. There are benefits of being a curious and experimental mother. Just yesterday he brought out the whole spices box from the pantry and showed interest in trying them. I was like, why not, that's like my boy. He spit out most of them (strangely he liked fenugreek seeds) but he was curious and experimental..!!! That's a win!! 

‌ FACE VALUE AND MARKET VALUE - To be clear with the title, I am not talking about the food here. I am describing the feeder. The mother..!! It's well known that kids learn what they see. But you'll be surprised to see how quick that happens. They put a piece of food in their mouth and look at you and more than their taste buds, your face decides for them whether they should go for more or not. And market for them, till they hit the school, is the pantry of the house. If they see more of natural foods, they will prefer them more over a bag of chips even when you go grocery shopping with them (don't even ask, how proud that makes me feel when A chooses a pack of cut pineapple pieces over glossy attractive chocolate packs) .

‌ GO WITH THE FLOW - We started with mashed and soupy foods. And just a month into it, A started rejecting it suddenly. He used to push away his bowl or try to jump out of his chair. Tired one day, I gave him what he was eyeing then, roti (advised by my cook. House helpers are the hard working moms who have neither time nor money to pamper their kids, hence the best advisors) and he happily sat trying to chew it without any teeth. He wanted to chew and not swallow. Eureka. I started making soft stuffed parathas. Things worked well until the next hitch when he wanted options to when he wanted his own plate to his own place on the dining table and we are waiting for the next now. They know their evolution stages well, it's we who underestimate their capabilities and ignore them and then eventually blame them for swallowing when they have mouth full of teeth. 

‌ INVOLVEMENT - We are working on this one currently. Not always A wants to eat what he has helped cooking but he anyways loves helping me cook or just watch me do it. I am also planning to start the vegetable garden again with his help so that he enjoys the dirt while some good habits make their way into his monkey mind without me trying to force them onto him.

P. S. I am not a perfect mom. I still try to hide veggies when I feel he has not had any for long, I keep Googling and trying new recipes to see if he likes it that way, I follow few superstitious beliefs like giving his last morsel to an animal or circling his head with rock salt or dried red chillies to ward off any bad influence he has, that don't let him eat. Tell me more of such weird ways and I will surely try them. That's how mother's function. Right!! 

But the ground line is making strong foundation of good habits will shape their future in a healthy way.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

THE Mother WHO LET'S HER KID FALL

I often get those looks when my child falls and I don't run to pick him up. "such an insensitive mom", "careless mom". But I actually feel good because while these people, mostly women are cursing me, my son gets up, dusts himself and moves on to the same activity again that made him fall. He did not need me. It was something he can cope with himself.

"Tough mom. Ehh." Some would say. But I was not this. I cried my eyes out when he got his ears pierced (hindu scientific reasons), when he got vaccinated, when he fell for the first time. But I learnt my way, slowly. Remember the first article I wrote on Motherhood ( http://me-n-ideas.blogspot.com/2016/07/journey-to-motherhood.html ). They mold the way you want. If you make a big deal out of small things, they do that too. Falling is a part of learning and my son gets it at an early age. He now even does that skillfully. He never let's his head fall first. He is more careful, observant and vigilant.

So yeah, I am the mother that let's her kid fall.

Monday, October 29, 2018

MOTHERHOOD - LIFE IS A CIRCLE

Today while putting my son to bed, he held my hand and put it on his head and asked me to caress him. My brain's RAM system took me back to the time when I was little. When something bothered me badly, like some friend issue, some homework problems or less scores or just till recently when I had an official letter asking me for the penalty tax for a wrong return filed, the details of the problem went around in my head till I shared it with one of my parents. I used to ask them to sit by my bedside caressing my head. Their calm face and soothing touch used to tell me that it's not a big deal and I will heal or overcome it. I used to think how come they are so cool? How do they not get panicked by such a huge problem? What would it be if I were in their shoes?

And here I am, in their shoes. Really , life is a circle. I give the same calmness to my son! It is a big big BIG deal for me. I am a grown up! I am equipped to handle his problems!  I can show him peace when he is freaking out!

There is so much learning when you have a guru in body of a tiny toddler.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

BEING A MOTHER - 9


Has anyone ever had an abusive lover, who pulls on hair, hits you with things, calls you names, from whom you can't take your eyes off for a second in the fright of something dangerous coming up? I would have sued him right away or kicked him out of my life with no guilt.

But when this abuse comes with a lot of unconditional pure love!?
Tiny fingers through the hair, giggles after the hitting, gibberish names with serious face that sound funny and taking eyes off the guy and he puts himself in danger.

Toddlerhood must be the hardest part of parenting. Their curiosity to try everything, I mean absolutely everything ; be it smearing the poop under the feet, feeling the texture of dog poop, trying the taste of dog food, putting those tiny fingers through the plug holes, tasting the walls, pouring water over various things (mostly the gadgets) and the most interesting thing trying your patience. When they see you going mad, they deliberately do things to push your limits. Language skills are inversely proportional to the curiosity, which makes things worse.

Meal times and bed times are like war scenes. You have to plan well in advance, plot the war scene tactfully and be ready to bare whatever the opponent comes with. Filling those little tummies is not difficult but feeding them healthy meals and pursuing them to try the rejected food without distracting their attention from food, is a work of patience. Same goes with sleeping. You can let them exhaust themselves to sleep or let them doze off in front of TV but to make them unwind and teach them to put themselves to sleep is an award winning game.

Okay, most of the time you love it, you find it rewarding but sometimes, just sometimes (in toddlerhood case the sometimes seems to come often) you want to run away, put your head under the pillow and scream or sit in the toilet and cry. All you want is a break but this stage is so consuming that you have already lost your life to it. Hardly any outing alone, and those with the baby are majorly spent bodyguarding him rather than socializing. Your meals are most of the time the leftovers of the toddler or are with plate in one hand, other hand holding onto his arm trying to stop him from jumping into the drawer in the kitchen which you are pushing to keep it tightly closed with one of your foots. Showers and other washroom jobs are of course with them, yelling at them to not squeeze any bottle or pursuing them to put the broom back in place worst being pulling them out of the bucket while halfway through your job. Sleep...!!! I better not describe it. Anyways it hardly happens.

Love and care are for a mother of a baby but sympathy, empathy and a massive amount of respect is what a mother of a toddler deserves.

So the next time you see a toddler mother, don't judge her by what she let's her monster do or how her little abusive lover behaves but pat her back or just hug her and tell her that this stage will pass too as the adorable baby stage did.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

THE FIRST KISS

Those eyes locked into yours, that mild smile showcasing the whole saga of unconditional love, that pull of hair showing the assurance that you belonged to him. Magical. Transcendent.

I received mine today.

Yes, his first kiss and my first too. Quickly as that happened, I drew the picture of it in my mind, of that time, that lighting, the sound of the ceiling fan in the background and that cute little face smiling at me and those starfish fingers in my hair. Then, humanely I get saddened by the thought that this is going to end in a few years when he grows up. Uff... I dread that time. I pull myself back to the moment and this angelic feeling and wonder; if ever Motherhood happened before love, "lover's first kiss" will be a non-existent term. 

Friday, January 19, 2018

BEING A MOTHER - 8

Today we turn one.
Me and my son.
The first few days of this year, he sternly refused to sleep anywhere other than on my body and I felt disturbed and irritated as I could not sleep that way and was desperate to sleep; whereas last few days of the year, he kicks and pushes to free himself off my embrace, rolls to the corner of the bed and sleeps off himself and I am still disturbed and irritated as I feel dejected and miss that closeness we shared the whole year. And in between these two stages, I thoroughly enjoyed all the big and tiny progresses he made. At times, I even noticed his growth within a day's time.

Every baby grows massively in this first magical year and it's kind of a wonder for their parents. But this day, I feel like celebrating my first year more than his. The immense growth that I went through is more of a deal to me than his. You see, molding a soft pliable clay is a play but tempering a hardened and stiffened one is a job. This year, in all, has softened the sharp edges of my personality in an unimaginable way.

Patience, as all the mothers would agree, is the biggest lesson of all. I have desperately waited for a seven hour uninterrupted sleep and am still waiting.  Breastfeeding called for hours and hours of being in one place which tested my patience but when we started on solids, what to say, that phase hardened my patience. But the biggest of all, I would say, was learning to wait and let him explore new things and intervene only when needed than pouncing on before his quest began.

No judging ; at the beginning of the journey, I had set rules for how to raise him, whom to include and what to include but now I get it that, there is no rule book to raise them the right way. Not everything works the same way for any mother-baby duo. Breastfeeding - no breastfeeding, diapers - no diapers, bottles - no bottles and eventually the same goes for the other things in life too. So no judging .

Time management ; earlier I would manage just two or three jobs a day and that too one at a time with big breaks or naps or snacks in between but now I can handle quite a lot of things without realizing hunger or thirst and have also mastered to include all my limbs if need be. This year has squeezed out all the laziness off my mind.

Gender equality, I am a firm believer of this. I had planned to teach my son all the household chores before even I thought of having one. But this one year proved to me that we are NOT equals. Or may be just till we become parents. My husband's sick day is a rest day but my sick day has to incorporate baby's meals, poops, bedtime stories and all the things in between. When the husband is off the baby duty he can switch the parent mode off whereas I have no "off" switch whatsoever.

But the biggest of all lessons I learnt this year is humanity. The power to be able to influence a soul and then many more souls through that one soul, puts you next to God. And when you realize that you are put next to God, all you want to be is a little better human with every step that you take in your further journey.