Sunday, November 12, 2017

BEING A MOTHER - 7


I hate monotony.

But who doesn't?

Just that I hate it to a little farther extent. I need a break from even the most obvious and "important" monotonous things, like brushing teeth and bathing. Instead I chew a mint gum and put on a whole deodorant can for a day (just to convey, I am not hazardous to be around any given day). So the bottom line is, I completely and wholeheartedly hate monotony.

But...
Ever since I have boarded the Motherhood bandwagon, my days are exactly, precisely the same. Even the Sundays. And holidays for that matter. I had yoga to my rescue but ever since my baby reached mobility, I lost mine. All I move is to get his things done, which is pretty much the whole day and sometimes I find myself in a time crunch to get things done. I have been trying a little off the chart (off the Google search actually) things to keep a tight hold of my sanity like combing hair once in a few days (to kill the monotony) and making my late night bathroom visits as meditational as possible. I still lose it few times a day.

But...
Somehow I don't hate it. Somehow I don't give up on the next exact same kind of day. Somehow I did not even think about it as monotonous. Until of course today, when I remembered the past me and compared it to the present me and wondered...  How? How am I not getting crazy over this?
And the answer of course is my little bub. He is the only constantly changing detail of my life right now. I notice even the minutest change or development of his and that becomes the highlight of my day. I do have the darkest thoughts haunting me throughout the day, that I might have to nurse him for forever or I might never be able to pursue my career again or I will never get to visit Himalayas again (it is a big deal to me ) and many more.

Here is the biggest Motherhood lesson to learn. True, that living life on your own terms, realizing your life goals and being recognized by your work is fulfilling but living selflessly to bring up a new life, generating life goals for someone and getting recognized as someone's roots is divine and a little difficult to understand in the beginning of the journey.

With time you can and will be capable of all that you wish for but this part, the strengthening of the roots part, it needs dedication and complete devotion.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

BEING A MOTHER - 6

So after months of inquiring and Googling  about what happens first, crawling or sitting, I gave up and decided to cultivate some patience to watch it myself. Keeping my calm and living with the suspense since he rolled over, finally my little man sat last week.  The exact day is difficult to tell because it's a process and he is still discovering new ways to park his butt and perfecting his skill while trying to catch up a new one.

But the patience and curiosity got me to understand a completely forgotten side of human anatomy.  Everything is a slow and hardwork demanding process. He did not just lay on his tummy till the day he was supposed to sit. He kept working every muscle required for the act and the body balance required. He would pull both his knees in, in tummy down position and try to push himself forward to which everyone would say,  he won't sit or crawl, he will drag himself on his tummy and then start walking. I would find it a proud thing but now I feel,  how no one ever observed the in-between stages of development or were they so insignificant to be mentioned. I laid myself on tummy and got up to sitting position in slow motion many a times to understand and notice the in-between stages and I'm seriously amazed at a baby's understanding of anatomy and our mind's ability to discard the important yet unused information.

To sum the process up,  after flipping over, he did not rest or celebrate the achievement.  But he went to roll over from both sides till he perfected it (practicing even in sleep). Then the knees pulling in and dragging stage came, that ensured him of the leg movements he would require. Then the push ups for his little arms and chest to gain strength to hold up the body weight. I thought here,  that's it, now he is going to crawl anytime. But he knew his steps and anatomy lessons well enough. He rocked back and forth while in push up position. That's a funny looking stage. I thought he is just having fun but he was strengthening his back in sort of cat-cow yoga pose. Thus, he became stable on his fours. It's crawling, I again thought to myself. But instead of taking crawl steps he was trying to balance in the position by lifting one hand in air at a time. And then I thought maybe everyone is right, he will stand up now. Nah... I realize now that it was a step to enable himself to maneuver his torso when time comes. Next was the cutest stage which I was never able to video graph, always being enchanted by its cuteness. He was moving his cute round chubby hips in circles, sometimes taking to extreme right and sometimes swaying to the extreme left. I thought I got a dancer in the house but it was still the wait-for-it moment. The day he managed to sit in an upright position the whole months of workout struck me as a jigsaw puzzle. And the very same day he took his first crawling steps also.

Eureka... Eureka... Eureka...

I always thought, there is only one shot to everything. But here I learnt, life itself gives a second chance to live consciously. To learn, re-learn and unlearn everything with your child.

P. S. - The credits for my son's successful sitting and crawling expeditions goes to my fur child. He is the one motivation for my son to get moving faster. Also now the very next week of two big milestones,  he is trying to stand up to get hold of his furry brother. 

Sunday, July 2, 2017

BEING A MOTHER - 5

I am thirty years old now and in these thirty years, I have called many things and many people"my whole life". But I couldn't believe myself when tonight after putting my baby to bed I turned to my husband and said "I think his poop has become my whole life". Disgusting - might be the word with even a twenty nine years old me, for this expression.

My once in five days pooping baby has suddenly started pooping five times a day and has shown me three out of seven rainbow colours (in different shades and textures). And I am on an alert mode for these few days paying attention to his farts and staring into his ass every now and then to see if he has graced me with some more colours. The thought of inappropriate behaviour has crossed my mind many times while smelling his butt with my nose literally in there and stroking my hand in his butt crease to check for wetness. Every night before bed I make a mental note of number of poops, their appearance, accompanying sound effects and praying to God to put him back on his old pooping schedule soon.

I did write this to him in my baby journal but the irony of the fact that his waste has become the utmost important thing in my life right now, has made me share my thoughts here.

I know some day he will read my blog posts and will be really embarrassed on this one. So I apologize for that here itself. 

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

BEING A MOTHER - 4

Now that I am a mother to a little man, I know why the mother-in-laws have unlikely feelings for their daughter in-laws.

As I caress my little man, I think of the fact that I am the first woman in his life, I am the one whom he'll kiss first, the one whose cooking he'll appreciate for the years to come, with whom he'll dance to absolutely any tune on earth. To me, he is the first man whose life will completely revolve around me for the coming years. He is the true, nurtured love of my life.

And someday, he will come to me, hand in hand with some girl, calling her his first love. It will shift the ground under my feet. By then, I will be so used to being the one focus in his life that suddenly being blurred out by someone will be unacceptable. They will be the two strangers sharing a charismatic connection in snap of a time, which took me years and years to build between us. She will be on the same page with him on every topic, instantaneously, where I will be updating myself constantly, every moment, to match his pace. Ofcourse, I will feel rejected, left out and ignored to feel envious and competitive for the girl in his frame then.

I shake off the thoughts and look at my little man in my arms, starring at me, waiting for me to smile at him, for my approval, for my appreciation. I think, I am crazy to go so bizarre in my mind when he is still so small to fit perfectly in my arms. But I guess, l just figured out why my mother-in-law secretly dislikes me sometimes and approves my husband's most abrupt ideas which I disapprove and laugh at.

P.S. I hope my yoga practice teaches me detachment till I reach this stage of life.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

BEING A MOTHER -3

I've stroked four little paws,
Before these two little feet
changed my laws

Two tiny eyes stared me
all the time,
Before I got the ones
that looked like mine

I learned the chattering
of a wagging tail,
Long before I picked up
the babbling trail

I kissed a wet nose and
a hairy forehead,
Before I found this tiny nose
and cheeks so red

A ten incher has always
followed me
Way before a three feeter
will ever stalk me

They say - "Now that you're a mom,
you've lot to explore"
I say - "Yeah, I know
I've been a mother before"

Monday, March 6, 2017

BEING A MOTHER -2

I was a person who loved puppies and kittens more than babies. And I never pondered on why and why not.

Yesterday when my 6 weeks old boy got up in the middle of the night babbling and cooing, I woke up and lit up the mobile torch pointing it to the ceiling to check with him without allowing much light to disturb his tiny eyes. I was attending and responding to his callings when suddenly he stopped moving and kept staring at the ceiling. I tried to break his stare and make him look at me but he kept his gaze firm and gave a gentle smile which made me draw my attention to where he was looking. He was smiling at the moving shadow of my hands on the ceiling. That was like the first Eureka moment for him. I got overjoyed and excited and then lying besides him I made a dog, a snake, a bird and whatever I could in the shadows and the rewarding laughter and smiles I got in return got me to the answers of my never thought questions. Puppies and kittens respond to your warmth and love instantaneously while babies are work of patience.

It is similar to sowing a seed and then watering the soil for days before the sapling breaks through the ground. I had been asking every parent around me that when do babies laugh or hold their heads firm or turn on their tummy or respond to our voices, tired of just nursing him and watching him sleep all the time. But now I know patience, perseverance and hope - that is all it takes. Where I was worried about he being afraid of darkness, he found his first genuine laughter in that darkness. And his first Eureka moment is my first Eureka moment too about how simple the joys of life can be. And that he is yet to set his vocabulary of feelings where he is unaware of negativity of darkness, fear or any such things and I can be his guide in setting the positive ones that he can live by.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

BEING A MOTHER - 1

People who visited me after I delivered, have asked one thing - how does it feel being a mother? And I was not able to answer them in a word. Later, I thought to myself, is something wrong with me that I can't say " it's fantastic feeling, I feel on top of the world" or "now I feel complete". But the fact was, I felt none of it. Neither I am depressed about anything. Giving birth was the biggest physical challenge I have faced but it did not make me feel motherhood instantaneously. But when today, we went for his vaccination and he cried during the injections, tears trickled down my eyes.
This magical connection I felt in that moment, realised me of being a mother.
And this reminded me of Sadguru's quote on motherhood " the beauty of motherhood is not in reproduction but in inclusion".